Adam Pyde

NHL Week 5 Panic Rankings

NHL Week 5 Panic Rankings

It’s week 5 of the NHL season. You know what that means, 10 more reasons to panic. But which is the most panicking panic? Is the the Oilers (making their fifth appearance)? Is it butt goals? What about Sean Avery temper tantrums or the NHL making huge mistakes and ruining good things? Find out below!

By: Adam Pyde – @Adam_Pyde

10. Ben Scrivens’ Helmet

Its a pretty passive-aggressive way to lash out at your team for not being very good.

(But in all honesty its actually a totally great, awesome thing he’s doing to help raise awareness/funding for mental health issues. You can read about it here. I’m gonna continue giving the ten-spot to something actually non-panicky and totally awesome)

9. The Canucks

The California road trip was supposed to prove if this team could play with the big boys or not. And well, the answer is “I don’t think so.”

They beat the #Shorks, but didn’t look very good in doing so. They got stomped by a shorthanded Kings team in pretty embarrassing fashion. Managed to beat the Ducks, without Corey Perry, in a shootout.

Conclusion: Well, if they get all-world goaltending they have a chance, otherwise they look good enough to not be horrible but not really good. But hey, banking points is always a good thing unless you’re gonna Buffalo.

8. Department Of Player Safety

We’re up to 8, excluding Slava Voynov, out of nowhere, and a handful of “probably should have been suspended but whatever I guess”.

It is encouraging to see that there are no more 1 game suspensions for flagrantly dirty hits. The going rate seems to be 2-3 games now, which is a good thing. A lot of these dumbass plays should start at 3 and probably be up to 6 or 7 games.

Guys might actually think twice before putting their elbow through someones skull, or letting up before they paralyze someone into the boards.

7. Butt Goal

That makes two butt goals in two seasons. Mixed with the butt fumble and the butt touchdown, butts are taking over our sports.

6. Anyone who still gives a care about Sean Avery

He threw a tantrum over pizza and quit his off-Broadway play, for those who care.

Via PuckDaddy:

…Avery had a “Shia LaBeouf-style meltdown” and quit his new play days before its opening.

On Monday, Avery left rehearsals early after growing agitated. On Tuesday, Avery’s behavior grew worse. According to Smith-Sloman, when a young assistant stage manager named Natalie asked the athlete-turned-actor if he wanted a slice of pizza, he said no, but somehow thought the assistant had called him an “a–hole.” 

Next, director Andreas Robertz said Avery told him, “Don’t you know who I am?!” and stormed out.

He was the Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino of the NHL and is somehow less relevant now.

5. The Flyers

Surprised none of them hit it with a violent head shot.

4. The Alex Semin contract

Sure isn’t looking so great. I left it off my worst contracts list, but now its sure looking like it’ll be there next year. There is even some talk that he’ll Kovalchuk it.

I’d sit and wait a bit though before turning on him completely if I’m anyone. The guy has a PDO, a stat that measures luck essentially, of 88.2 which is absurdly low considering the average is 100. He’s going to need to rebound strongly though.

3. The Stars

Try winning a game. Just one. Baby steps. You’re supposed to be good and not bad. Stop losing 7 games in a row (0-5-2).

This team could use another defenceman added to a corps that’s basically on Oilers level.

I picked you to be third in the Central. Don’t make me look dumb.

2. Reports of no salary cap increase

My impression of the GM’s of the Kings, Blackhawks and Bruins upon hearing this report.

Maybe you shouldn’t have bottom 6 players and bottom pairing players and replacement level goaltenders making star dollars (Mike Richards, Dustin Brown, Matt Greene, Brian Bickell, Corey Crawford, Kris Versteeg, Dennis Seidenberg, Chris Kelly, Loui Eriksson).

Curious to see what parts cap pressed teams are going to have to sell off for pennies on the dollar. Might be the end of some of these “modern dynasties.”

1. NHL uniform advertisingsave

“I’ve always thought that the Habs sweater was missing a giant ad for car insurance.” – Unconfirmed quote from NHL COO John Collins.

What is wrong with you, dickheads? Leave the tacky advertising plastered uniforms to those crap leagues in Europe and the CFL.

I tried to fix some of the worst NHL sweaters not long ago, but this would make every one of them completely unbearable.

If you want to read the best take on how this is the worst thing ever, the guy at Icethetics nails it. He runs the best hockey sweater website in the universe.

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